.......

i live in haverhill i dont belong here i hate it here i wanna go back - back to the funny ways , happy days , but didstance is in the way . im not okay im dying inside - missing important thing like friends open mike night's missing out on meeting new people . haverhill and there are not in any way equal . im crying again tonigt , holding this pillow tight wondering why i feel like i might die . crying to sleep - not hungry lost my appetite to eat . laying on the porch in the cold because it reminds me of the old .... days where we would laugh and play the hole day . getting home late to here complaints was fine . i was living life it was mine. im hurt now nd feel used by the fucking fraze " we have to move."

the break down

                                                                  So let go(so let go), jump in
                                                                  Oh well, whatcha waiting for?
                                                                               It's alright
                                                        'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
                                                                So let go(oh let go), just get in
                                                                    Oh, it's so amazing here
                                                                               It's alright

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

i love this song .... its just like WHAM! in the heart .....!

so i woke up early today thinking how fun this is and what not 

and i had a huge question !

if the all mighty God made us FROM dirt then why cant we eat it ?

O__O

"WTF is that s'possed to mean O_o"

i JUST realized how lost in life i am . the awkward thing is im fine with it  and i accept it . which , if im correct, is not the healthiest thing for me right now. i think im on the brink of no return [i lied im not] . i want sooo many things in life and yet i dont try to achieve/get/obtain said things. i want but dont try ..... . Sometimes i dont even know why im alive ... im NOT suicidal im just thinking like what am i doing? truthfully i dont know what to do with my self ... this is a secret but truthfully i dont know what i wanna be when i grow up and i dont even wanna grow up . its like a peter pan reaction. i like hanging out with my friends and being in high school . i guess im just afraid to grow up ? Nope i lied i DONT WANT TO grow up . its a nasty thing to do its quite gross and risky ...   but said like riskaay. i wish i could stay 15 FOREVER. ! Even though im 14 right now i wanna be 15 ? yes! hahaaa..ha. but sadly scientist havent cured this horrible disease of "growing up" :| 

The Tribe Curse ... -,-

ok so one thing EVERYONE in the tribe has in comin is the tribe curse . this curse aint like any other . its irony , sadness, pain , disapointment, a slap in the face and sand in your wound ..... ALL AT THE SAME TIME ! its horrible .... ! so we , the tribe, would be haveing a wonderful day of laughter and joy and WHAM! it happins !! lifee goes wrong. someone would get hurt are would loose an item . in this case my keys and shirt . why it happens? i dont quite know O_o but it takes the fun outa life ... +_+ !


... last time it was nobuo's selfone! now its  my keys and shirt oh and espinal got hurt ..... life . i think god sees us having so much fun and being so happy he goes like " uhhhh why are they so friggen happy ?" he's like 'the whole world is in tears while ur having the time of your life' then he strikes us with the spears of sadness and slight depression..... . and we cant do anything about it !!!! ahhhhhh ! oh and its sunday , i have school tomarro  and im friggen up! life.  --,--

uhh cause he didnt say so .....  he didnt say :
 that i would love
or that i would cry
or that i would laugh for NO reason at all
and he didnt say that this would be fun
he also didnt say that friend birthdays would be awsome
or that sharing my inner most thoughts would be hard as fuck
he never said anything about the joys of taking pictures in cold ass weather
or about emoticon .... never said how much we NEED them
he didnt say how much that one corner in micheles kitchen in sooo fun >,<
or how i call every ones mom "mami" ;)
or how game night is totally special and awsome
he didnt say i would move ... it just happened
he didnt say that i love yogurt
also didnt say how much i love and need 7 or 8 people .....[u know who u are]
he never said i would love keshas song we r who r
he never said anything but thats okay
because it works either way ^_^

P.S. the last 2 lines ryme!! xD

where do i go from here?

i was told to be myself today ..... and i didn't know how to act or respond to that . all my life Ive tried to be nothing but me , but maybe i was delirious about who me really is ? maybe I'm not "ME" at the moment but deep inside im lonely , scared ,withdrawn from life , missing something that i am yet to find . if thats me then "ME" is weak i'd rather be forever "happy" than forever weak ..... and maybe im afraid of what you'd think. maybe all my insecurities are caving in on me lately like a brick wall unpaved . and maybe this is the begging of nothing , but this nothing is fricken important . what if im lost ? lost in the clouds , sky,moon,mars ,lost in myself. i wish there was a straight path that leads me to "me" , i bet if that fucking rode wasn't so jagged and confusing i would be where the "REAL ME" is .

BEST pizza EVER!!!

today in the horrible yet totally barible school i go to i had lunch.... and it was friggin bomb - it was cheese pizza with loads of cheese little bit of sause and cheesy crust ^_^ <-- this smiley face doesnt quite show how im feeling ....-_- . but oh well ! and oh on other food news .....i REFUSE to eat chocolate milk >:[ and if u eat chocolate milk ima kick you !! >;] just kidden ... i have my personal reasons for giving up choklate milk but the numbero 1 reason is becouse it reminds me of a gross thing ...... so gross i might puke ! bueeeeeeeeeew! C:  LOL! ok im done for now ....: D

no more to say

it bothers me how powerless i am . how ever many things i may want half i wont get , it BOTHERS me how i try try try to get something along to you and u take it the wrong way .it bothers me how much i need you , how much of a drug u are to me that no matter how many times i try to give u up i need your friendship to just be ... there .how u always make me laugh when I'm practically dying inside . when I'm 2 seconds from falling u catch me. uhhhh it  BOTHERS me how oblivious you are to my feelings , that you think of me as some girl u just know ... it bothers me that I'm not special to you . it bothers me that  i even care about u the way i do . that my heart and soul aches when your not around  or that I'm ALWAYS searching the halls for your face because u are the only one to stand out in the crowd . It bothers me that I'm slowly yet gradually falling .

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

                                                -- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s -- 


*didnt right this but i like this poem :]

The wonderful-ness of Jazz?

Ok so Yesterday [11/5/10] my wondrouse uncle took me and a few of my friends to a jazz open house ;] . It was perfect . there was like a little cafe right next to it  and they were selling awsomely deliouce cookies . But that wasnt the best part , the band was awsomely great - they had so much swag lol if that makes sense the vocalist [ who was fluent in greek language ] her voice had this eerie ness about , i feel like her voice  leaves you guessing its like a mystery . lol i sound like a perv ! oh and the bassist was awesome and had a awesome bass ! when they started playing music i was TOTALLY captivated !! they did only covers of songs but it was still awesome C: And the SAXOPHONE ! omy frig-gin gosh it was sooo awesome xD  , he had a fedora hat and everything and he was a awesome saxophone player  !! in the end the night was a semi success [ we were missing a very important person in our mini tribe ] Oh and then we ate at this cute Mexican restaurant with awesome cassidias  < spelled it wrong >,< but yea this morning i woke up and my cassidia was soggy O.O lol yeaa but it was tasty - we took kick ass pictures x]

VENT : i need this right not -_-

i hate you . i hate everything about you . the way you talk ,the way you walk ,your fucking stupid .... excuse my language but really right know i want to kick you . you love to fight for the supidist shit and wheni try to reason with you the conversation always ends in screams or tears. you love to be right even when your wrong , like i said before your stupid. sometimes im like "ehh ... whatever" but then you just make things escalate to a higher level and THEN i wanna rip your head off . oh ok call me a bitch like im 30 and NOT 14 . oh and maybe threat to kick me out but .. again really your stupid and all talk . oh yea you were just a little bit too mad that time - you always are : and maybee i DO give attitude - mostly yes , but itts cuz you dont kno how to carry fucking serious conversation w/o yelling or fighting or getting me or yourself mad .? Your total bullshit and sometimes a Hippocrate [think i spelled that wrong ] . oh and for the reader this isnt a hate note that turns into a love note ! ok? im angry right now .  you dont understand were im coming from - and even though people say we are alike i think they are totaly wrong ... uhh im done if i go on ill cry .

LIFE: is when your walking down the street and you see something or someone you knew in the past and you have that cozy feeling inside . or when your kissing the person you love hoping to stay that way forever and then the next day you find out he was cheating . when you want the very last peice of extra chokolate fudge cake . when your walking through the streets of Seoul - Korea , Athens - Italy , Paris - France, and you feel like you could be there forever . you wish for eternity but you know god will cut your life short someday .... oh and the beautiful exotic paintings with numerous colors hanged on your fridge . that's all the good parts of life .... how about when your mother dies of lung cancer , or that shoot out last weekend , oh and when your failing at everything in your life and have run out of options . teenage prostitutes , 13 year old mothers , drug abuse , poverty , sin, sadness , and above all else no hope at all to reaching sanity ? it sonuds like BS right ? Well my dear friend that is life .... : (

its so dang sunny outside - but why am i here?

i was sitting in a desk with scribbles on it wondering were i was or why i was in there .the walls painted lightly with a majenta purple , there was a heavy smell of  chalk that botherd my eyes . the seat in which i was placed in was horridly uncomfortable , but what could i do ? i licked my lips tensely looking at the piece of paper that lay in front of me - i did not understand it at all  .more than half of me wanted to get up and leave - leaving everything behind ; but that would get me nowhere . so i sat there staring at the piece of paper , smelling the toxic fumes of chalk , in an uncomfortable chair . oh how  loath the thought of having to come hear again tomorrow and the next day , and the next day , and the next. its nasty , too disgustingly nasty ....

i was blushing like a tomatoe while i was writting this

i really want to know what you think but at the same time i could care less . When i feel your eyes pouring into my back i get the chills . When i give you a hug it brings back old and rusty feelings from the past . I begin thinking of you more now than ever but then i catch myself thinking such grotesque thoughts i flip out . Its not the same as before - were not children anymore ....

Your tall ,handsome , funny - very caring but have your faults ,and when i see you with other girls it angers me but really i have no right to be . its stupid but i know i have feelings for you but when i finish writing this they will die completely   . You treat everyone indifferently , is there anyone whom you hold dearly to your heart..? Ahhhhh ~ its sad , my love story ended way before it was even going to start.

the mind of an exciting flower

i was standing in the grass gazzing at the huge world infront of me as bees and huge giants passed by i felt sort of obliviose to the world . the sun shinning hot above me was givving me energy and i felt that i could make another day w/o being squashed. as the wind blows i blow along with it . as a flock of children pass by a little girl stops and looks at mee , staring untill she is called back to the herdd . i , myself wasnt that beautifal - my friend next to me was lushis red ,tall ,and beautifull- i was pure white - and slightly bent  . the day goes on and i am still just blowing with the wind . . .

 

ohh ok heyy <: uhmm madnees! ijust started this thingy >blog< and im confusd well not totally confused but ... confused. cuz this is Most deffinatly not a diary and my lifee is not a tragedy after tragedy situation butt i want to put my word out there ... that should be ok . but really im probly only going to right nonsence on here that might anger and or annoy you and i dont think im sorry O.O for that ... my brain contrudicts itself constently - im not smart at all even thoo people think i am , skinny jeans are grotesc pants but if they wernt so cute on my thighs i would not were them im really childish >REALLY CHILDISH< ask my preshis <spelled rong> friends ... the tribe . i have nasty dreams that try to tell me something about my brain but i dont ever get it ok soo there you go ... the madness u just enterd in called MY blog <;